It’s easy mom! Fair warning this is a long post…
In my groups today I have been telling everyone to open up about their insecurities or something that they don’t like about themselves. I guess it is time to take my own advice.
I don’t like living my life afraid. I have so many fears that I deal with but one of my biggest is being afraid of failing. I don’t want my family and friends to see me as a failure and I don’t want to see myself as a failure either.
Yesterday, I conquered one fear of mine, well maybe not conquered but I certainly faced it. I have missed spending time with my family and I have noticed that my son has been getting more distant. I decided that I wanted to spend some time with him. I took him and his friend to Borestone Mountain for a hike.
I have never gone hiking before, or what I would consider truly hiking. I have walked on a few trails, mostly flat, nothing too strenuous. Yesterday was completely different. I have always wanted to go hiking, but I have been so afraid of not being able to do it, of being out of shape, of having to turn back before I reached my destination. When I talked to my son about going to Borestone, he told me that it was an easy hike and that it would be a lot of fun. I’m not so sure about that anymore :)
At the beginning it was just us walking up an access road. It wasn’t too bad but it was definitely steep in some places. I could feel it in my quads and my butt and my breathing was definitely a struggle. I made it to the visitor’s center after walking for 1.3 miles and thought, well, I guess that wasn’t too bad. I can do this!
We started hiking to the summit, and if you have never hiked Borestone, just let me inform you, it isn’t easy. Or maybe it is if you are 17, in great shape or have gone hiking before. For the first time hiker, who is 43, gaining most of her weight back, falling out of shape and struggling this wasn’t easy. Some parts of this trail are very steep with slippery rocks to climb over, now imagine doing that one handed while holding onto your precious camera. Get the picture?
Then Zach looked at me and said oh yeah, I forgot it gets harder from here. Mom it’s easy! Mom it’s easy??? Obviously his version of easy and mine are different.
The closer you get to the summit, the more vertical the climb is. At one point, Zach and Hayley went ahead of me and I looked up to see this very steep rock wall that I was supposed to climb. There are green arrows showing you the way but I missed the arrow and tried to go up the side that was more for advanced hikers. I could see Zach and Hayley sitting above me waiting, and I reached for this small birch tree to help pull me up. When I did I looked around, saw that I was almost above the tree top and froze. Remember my fear of failure? Well, it is topped only be my fear of heights, not by much though. I looked up and said Ziggy I don’t think I can do this and started tearing up.
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| This is the handrail I was supposed to use. |
Zach looked down, saw where I was and told me I was going the wrong way and he came to help. Love that boy of mine. Then he showed me the way I was supposed to go. I am not sure if that was any better though. There was a thin metal bar with foot holds to help me up. But he told me he had me and that I could do it. I did. I thought I had made it to the summit. Imagine my surprise when Zach told me I still had a ways to climb. Then he reminded me that it is ok to get out of my comfort zone. Comfort zone? I was far from being comfortable.
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| The very thin white birch tree on the far left is where I tried to climb up. |
When I finally crawled to the top of the rock wall I just started to shake and cry. My son held me while I faced my fears…of heights and of failing. I really didn’t think that I could go any further. I was glued to the side of the mountain and really thought he would have to send in rescue to get me down.
Zachary told me that he was so proud of me for how far I had come and that he knew I could do it. At that moment I realized that I could let my fear of failing win and not go any further, or I could take control and conquer it. Don’t get me wrong I was petrified but I wanted to make my son proud of me and I wanted to say that I finished.
I kept climbing, I reached the top and what an amazing view. I was in awe! I was scared to death that I would fall, but I did not let my fears stop me. So, on May 24th I climbed to the summit of Borestone Mountain. :)
As amazing as the view was, and as accomplished as I felt that day and still do, the best part was to finish what I started, to not let my fears control me. I think that is one of the first times that I have truly been afraid and kept going.
I DID NOT QUIT!
Do I still have a fear of failure or of heights? Yes, they didn’t just magically disappear. But the difference today is that now I know that I don’t have to let them control me, that I can win my battle with my fears. That I can succeed when I choose to.
I am stronger than my fears.
This was something that I really needed to face and I am so thankful that I did not give up. I am a stronger woman for it. ;)
~ Darlene <3
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