Why?

I have been in a huge funk for the last few weeks.  I have tried everything to get out of it and to get back on track with working out and my meal prep.  I finally figured out that it was deeper than just not wanting to do anything, or being too tired.  It had to do with my WHY!

When I first started this in June, my why was because I wanted to be able to keep up with my active family, to not miss one of their special moments.  Well, now I am.  So, I decided after watching a video from an amazing coach, Abby Marie, that I needed to dig a little deeper.

I was trying to put everything into a nice little package, to have one major why and to go from there.  But you know what, life isn't that simple and neither am I!  It's not about just one thing, it is about many.

First and foremost is the fact that I don't want to fail again.  I want to do something and not give up.  To finish what I started.  Ever since I can remember I have been a failure.  I was a bad mom, a horrible wife and one of the nastiest people I know. I am now turning that part of my life around.  I am becoming more positive and making an effort to be a more supportive person in the lives of others.  I am showing my family how much I love and appreciate them.  I am learning how to love myself. But I still have this huge issue with failure. 

Things can be going great, and I am fearful that the shoe will drop and everything will be destroyed.  For some reason I am afraid of being a success.  I am not sure how to get over this fear but I am definitely working on it, or at least I am trying to.  I want to be successful, I am just not sure how to get there.

The second part of my why is my husband.  I want to be able to earn an income from my home so that I can be a stay at home wife.  I want to be that old fashioned person, who stays home, has supper on the table when her husband comes home, the house is clean and greet the love of my life at the door with a "Hello dear how was your day?" Kiss.  My husband has worked hard over the last 23 years to provide for this family.  Now, he needs to have surgery but is fearful of doing so.

He is afraid that he will not be able to provide for his family.  I want to be able to be the provider so that he can finally take time for himself and get his health under control.  I love my husband and it would be so nice to be able to help him for a change financially instead of always feeling like this blood sucking leach with her hand out waiting for the money to be put in it.  It would be so nice to be financially independent.  To not be buried in a sea of debt.  To be able to take my son shopping and not have to budget every dime.  To want to get my hair cut and wonder if I have enough money in the account to do it or if I will have to wait a few weeks.I would love to be able to answer the phone and not hear that annoying sound of the computer voice from a bill collector.  I want to get my finances under control.  I am tired of drowning in debt.

The third part....I feel like even though I am surrounded by people I am all alone.  I feel like if I disappeared tomorrow that no one would notice.  Like my opinions just don't matter.  I feel alone. I am not sure where this feeling is coming from, but apparently I have some major work ahead of me. 

These are my biggest fears and issues right now.  This is my major why.  This is the reason I need to continue.  I can not give up, I won't give up.  I need to struggle through this until I can say that I have overcome these feelings and issues.  

I will become successful!

I can do this!

I will make it so my husband can have his surgery!

I will become a stay at home wife!

I will stop being a financial leach!

I will become financially independent!

I do matter, I am not alone!

I believed I could so I did! <3